Laurel’s Con: Romance Scams Revealed

Criminologist Dr. Alex Del Carmen & dating and relationship coach Laurel House

Love is powerful. Vulnerability is human. But in the wrong hands, both can be weaponized. If you’ve ever searched romance scam warning signs, how to spot a romance scammer, or emotional manipulation tactics in dating, you already know this isn’t just about money. Romance scammers don’t just steal hearts. They steal life savings, dignity, and sometimes even lives. The tactics are sophisticated, the damage is real, and no one is immune.

Rom cons don’t just take cash. They take trust, security, and your sense of reality. Victims face financial loss, emotional trauma, and even legal or identity risks. The hardest part is that red flags are easy to spot in hindsight. In the moment, hope and hormones can make them look like green lights, or they can make everything feel like simple confusion.

Romance scams are rising because access to you is easier than ever

Criminals don’t need a key to get into your life anymore. They need your name, a phone number, a profile, a few breadcrumbs. Public information means access to you. Someone can search and learn where you live, at least the town or neighborhood, the homes you’ve sold, how much you sold them for, civil and criminal records that are publicly available, whether or not you were divorced, how many children you have, whether or not those children are in your custody. That’s the scary thing. You don’t have to be a public figure for there to be records about you online.

And it’s not only the internet. Old school techniques still exist. People can go through garbage bags left outside on pickup day and learn spending patterns. Most criminals don’t want to get dirty, though. They’d rather sit comfortably and learn about you from a screen. They can figure out your routines from how you interact with the world: mortgage payments, utility bills, deliveries, subscriptions, the digital trail of a quiet life.

The more technology expands, the more opportunities expand. Dating apps, social media, and AI deep fakes create new avenues for deception. It’s not just one method. It’s all of the above. The easier it is to access your home life, your work life, your personal life, the faster it is to scam you.

Being scammed isn’t about being foolish. It’s about being human

People love to ask the cruel question: How could you fall for that? But we believe RomConners because they are skilled at exploiting human psychology and natural relationship dynamics. Some use tested scripts that have worked on thousands before. Many target educated, independent people because those individuals have resources and don’t think of themselves as easy victims.

Intelligence doesn’t cancel vulnerability. In fact, some forms of success can increase it. Lack of time makes it easier to miss details. Isolation from community makes it harder to reality-check. Being focused on work can pull you away from the social feedback loops that would normally catch something off. Your greatest vulnerability is often not the con artist. It’s the part of you that wants it to be true. You want this to work out so badly, because you want to believe you’re worth it.

RomCons live inside normal needs: connection, hope, trust, love. We don’t believe because we’re naive. We believe because they exploit the very qualities that make us human: empathy, optimism, the desire to love and be loved. That’s why shame after the fact can feel so intense. It’s also why shame is so undeserved.

“Small” cons count, and they often escalate

A romance con doesn’t have to be a six-figure theft to be real. There are levels. Some look like catfishing, using fake photos, fake jobs, fake lives. Some people create a persona as self-protection. They feel insecure, so they present a version that feels safer. That doesn’t erase the harm done to the person being pulled into it.

Other cons are normalized as dating culture, but they still run on deception. Ghosting and breadcrumbing can be used as control. Dine and dash dates are cons. Emotional manipulation that keeps someone tethered is a con. A person can take your time, your body, your emotional availability, your privacy, and still tell themselves they didn’t really do anything wrong because there wasn’t a massive wire transfer.

What makes these tactics dangerous is what they collect along the way. Did you send sexy photos of yourself? Did you send private information? What does this person now know about you, and how important is that information to you? The damage goes beyond money, because the exploitation can create identity risks, blackmail risk, professional risk, and a lingering feeling that the world is unsafe.

Most of this crime is never reported. People fear judgment. They fear the reaction that calls them stupid. That silence helps predators keep working.

The cons that look almost believable: misdirection, sob stories, and “future you” fantasies

Some scams aren’t built on a single lie. They’re built on plausible deniability.

One common move is misdirection. A person uses photos that are technically connected to them, but not actually them. When confronted, they don’t apologize. They pivot to a noble story, something designed to move you. A dead brother. A memorial. A tragic loss. The goal is to elevate themselves beyond your anger and push you into compassion.

In criminology, this is like appealing to a higher authority. Don’t you know I lost someone. Don’t you see I’m doing something meaningful. Now you’re supposed to feel sorry for them, and that feeling is supposed to overpower your suspicion and your very reasonable anger that you were lied to.

Another common tactic is the “future me” story. Someone presents ambitions as if they are current reality. Driven. Successful. A founder. Aligned with you. Then the details don’t match. They walk to the date. They forgot their wallet. They ask to get into your car. Later, the truth leaks out: couch surfing, between jobs, no car, no stability.

A planner doesn’t forget their wallet. Especially now, when people carry payment methods on their phones or watches. The disconnect between the identity they sold and the choices they make in front of you is the point. It forces you to reconcile two realities, and that mental friction makes people easier to steer. If the con is skilled, it escalates slowly: one drink, one favor, one ride. If the con is sloppy, it comes too fast, too quickly, all at the same time.

Some connors aren’t hunting long-term money. Some are hunting short-term access: a fun night, a ride home, a way into your space. Others are driven by shame and insecurity and believe deception is the only way they’ll be chosen. The motive can vary, but the tactic is the same: manipulate your empathy, your hope, your openness.

The texts that hook you, the proof they dodge, and the danger of isolation

A favorite entry point is the “wrong number” message. Hey, I’m on my way. Hey, are you free to chat. You respond to correct them, and the conversation begins. They ask small questions. They reveal little details. They send casual photos. They create a sense of intimacy through constant contact, and it’s rarely happening with only one person.

They use open-ended hooks and tested language. Sometimes they call you a very common name to see if you’ll play along. They try to locate you with weather talk, storms, temperature, geography. Once they narrow your location and learn the shape of your life, it becomes easier to mirror you.

One of the clearest patterns is what they refuse. They will never get on the phone with you. They will never get on a video call with you. You never hear their voice. It’s always because, because, because. There’s always a reason. Even when asked for simple proof, they dodge. Meanwhile, photos can be old. Photos can belong to someone else. AI deep fakes can simulate a face and mouth moving like a real conversation. The world is shifting, but the core tactic stays steady: build trust while blocking verification.

The most dangerous cons intensify isolation. They try to separate you from your resources. They tell you to leave your phone behind. They steer you into places without signal. They confuse you on purpose. They want you to hate them, be suspicious of them, and feel sorry for them, all at once. When those emotions collide, you freeze. Confusion becomes control.

If you travel to meet someone, especially outside the United States, the stakes rise. Law enforcement resources shift. Your leverage shrinks. If things go bad, you need refuge fast. A nearby US embassy is a critical safety resource, and knowing that in advance matters. It’s also smart to have someone monitoring your itinerary back home, not as paranoia, but as protection.

If something doesn’t seem right initially, it probably isn’t. The ticket reimbursement that never comes. The story that changes when you land. The lie after lie after lie. The instinct is there for a reason. The brain has to step in and tell the heart to knock it off, sit down, process, bring logic back online, and leave.

Recovery is its own chapter. After a serious RomCon, people can experience shame, guilt, depression, anxiety, PTSD-like symptoms, a loss of self-trust, social withdrawal. Some people feel haunted, like they can’t trust anyone’s intentions. And still, the truth remains: being rom conned doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re human. You can’t control the scammer’s lies, but you can control your response, your healing, and your path toward real love.

If you want a deeper breakdown of the criminal mind behind these tactics and the exact moments where it stops here, listen to RomConned featuring criminologist Dr. Alex Del Carmen.